Parenting – finding your persona

Why This Choice?

Why have children if they don’t fit into your lifestyle?
Why have children if you don’t have the time?
Why have children if the expense is a problem?
Why have children if you don’t show an interest?
Why have children if you can’t give them support?
Why have children if you don’t make an effort to forge a relationship?
You were given the choice…
You should have thought this through…
Why? Why? Why?
I”LL NEVER UNDERSTAND!!!

These are often a child’s questioning thoughts or maybe even that of a co-parent.

I Tried

I tried my best with your development
I tried my best with your education
I tried my best to solve your problems
I tried my best to love you 
I tried my best to help you
I tried my best to support you
I tried my best to understand you
I tried my best to be there
I tried...I really did...I hope you know...

These are often parents thoughts which they don’t share with their children.

As children we all need to arrive at a point in our lives where we forgive our parents for any hurt we may have experienced at their hand.

They were only doing their best with the knowledge they had at that time.

A major problem with parenting is that we were all children once and can only draw from our experiences to establish what we think is good or bad. What we fail to realize is that it is not what happens in the moment but what results in the long run. Many change the way they rear their children from how they were reared. This is mainly to rectify what they perceive to be mistakes their parents made. This can be anything from a slight adjustment to a complete overhaul.

Something you can be assured of is that when you are the parent, your child will probably have similar if not the exact same thoughts you had as a child, one of which will be: “to do things differently if I’m ever a parent”. Make sure that your child knows you only have their best interest at heart and any decisions pertaining to them always comes from a place of love.

As your children grow up you may realize that what you thought to be a mistake was in actual fact a blessing because of a particular lesson you were taught or the way you turned out. Then in hindsight, you are faced with the dilemma of how to teach your off-spring that fundamental something you now feel is integral.

One of the biggest hurdles with regards to deciding on a parenting style is that everyone is different, adults and children alike. Everyone reacts differently to various experiences and so what could possibly have a negative effect on some may just as well have a positive effect on others. Just know that it is not an exact science. My advice would be to switch it up. Life is based on trial and error and being able to forgive ourselves for any errors we make along the way. There is also no shame in apologising to your children should you feel you did something wrong. If anything it may well end up teaching them a valuable lesson.

Do share your childhood experiences with your children as they grow up or even later on in life because that can help them make sense of the reasons behind certain things you did. Understanding the thought processes which led to the stance you took could well assist them in making peace with the hurt they experienced. This will in-turn help them let go of any anger and resentment.

You may have to face your own demons with regards to your parents. Should they no longer be around, try speaking to a relative or family friend who could possibly shed some light on how you perceive the memories of your childhood. If none of this is an option or you feel that you would not be able to confront them face to face, do not to fret, you can always write a letter, even if it never gets delivered. It is all part of your healing process which should be a priority. Know that being a bitter-free adult-child will most definitely assist you to be a better parent for your child.